Posted by: Janahan Balasingham   in Personal, Relationships

When I created this blog, I had a specific purpose for it. It was where I confess and be myself. I had to put on the facade for many people so that they can see who they want to see that I felt like I was losing myself.

I can still remember the moment when I felt helpless from being who I am. It was at a birthday party when a relative of mine started preaching how my decisions in my life will not satisfy my dead father. And that he was a good man while I sully his name. Unfortunately, the relative didn’t know the whole truth because my father was good at hiding his real side from the public’s eye and our family has kept a close lid on it. So only regular visitors to the house know the truth while others don’t. I felt my emotions boil over but I had to keep quiet from blurting out the truth because then it will ruin the facade my family had created. So I felt really helpless at that moment.

Anyways, this is not about that. This is about something I did that is eating my own conscience and I must be true to the purpose here. I’m not a Christian so I cannot confess at the church. This is more or less my confession booth and I am not looking for forgiveness or understanding but just want a place to let it out.

This happened a week ago. As I have mentioned before in my previous, me and Emma are going steady for a while now and we have not had any major blow ups about anything. I think it’s partially because she knows me well enough and gives me the space I need. Last weekend was a festival day for us (Pongal). We usually celebrate it with sweets and stuff. Last year, I gave her some of the sweets I got from my friends’ place. This year, she remembered it and reminded me to get her some. So on the day before festival day, I went to a local mart to get the sweets. There is this Srilankan girl who works there for many years. I have noticed her plenty of times before (because she is good looking) but I never made a move on her because for one thing, I had a feeling she was related to the owners of the shop (which she confirmed) and she didn’t seem like the casual dating kind of girl. Since I wasn’t looking for any serious relationship, I always kept a distance and our conversations remained short (just normal greeting and casual question/answer).

On this day, I was going through the stuff I needed to buy when she was there filling out the shelves. After our normal greeting and casual chit-chat, I expected her to walk away but she kept on talking. The conversation was pleasant and it kept going on and on. We stayed there for like maybe 20–30 minutes just talking about many random things. She was even talking about her personal stuff and was asking me personal questions too. Unknowingly (not on purpose), I must have been flirting with her. Near the end of the conversation, she popped the question of whether I had my dinner yet. I told her I haven’t since I didn’t. Then she told me that she knows a place nearby that serves really good Srilankan food and if I can wait for a little while, we can both go for dinner. That was when I realized what I had been doing. Somehow I had given her the impression that I want to go out with her. I gave her an excuse that people will be waiting for me to bring the sweets I must go home for dinner (which is partially true). I saw her face fell and knew I had been giving the wrong signals. I quickly paid and left.

Honestly though, I never thought that was me. I know many people who have cheated or still cheating on their partners and I do not approve of their behavior or decision. I always thought that when I am in a relationship, I will not be flirting with others or cheat on my partner. I don’t know if flirting is considered cheating but personally if the roles were reversed, I would. This has been eating me inside because not only the guilt but it also raised some questions. Was I flirting because I am just like everyone else or was I doing it because I don’t love Emma? If I don’t love her and was willing to flirt with someone else, should I just break up and let her find someone else who can love her? So many questions in my head now.

To make matters worse, the weekend ended up with us having our first big fight. We had an agreement that I won’t be spending time in my laptop when I am at her place. But there was a project that was due and my friend Jeevan told me he will come online and help me with some of the work that weekend. So I waited for him online in my laptop and that really made her mad. Maybe I was doing it partially so that I can avoid her and not feel guilty. Usually I can tell her anything that troubles me but how do I tell her about this? So we had our blow up and I stayed up all night for my friend who didn’t show up. I fell asleep in the morning and when she woke up with me sleeping and my laptop on standby, she figured it out. I was at my place for the rest of the weekend.

I was busy the following week with plenty of work that had me occupied and not think about the guilt or how I handled her over the weekend. We talked over the phone and smoothed everything out during the week and I spent the week at my place so that I can finish up all my work. Day before yesterday (Friday), we went out and had a pleasant dinner when the guilt came back rushing like a tidal wave. So I decided to write about it here and confess hoping that it will ease the guilt. Not sure how I can get rid of it other than telling her which will have some repercussions.

If anyone have any wise suggestions (other than saying “get over it” which will not be useful), I would appreciate it.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, January 23rd, 2011 at 9:18 am and is filed under Personal, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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