30
Apr

Journey Back to Srilanka

   Posted by: Janahan Balasingham   in Experience, Personal, Relationships

It is 30th of April and my final day in London. Today I’m flying out of the country back to Srilanka where I will have to rebuild everything. Most people feel homesick or happy that they are going back to the country they were born in. I grew up in Srilanka for 18 years but for some weird reason, I consider London as my home and Srilanka as a place I used to live at.

Don’t get me wrong. This feeling is not because of any political or religious views I have. Regardless of my views in those areas, I would still feel the same way. Maybe because I feel that London was where I found myself. While living in Srilanka, most of my decisions were made for me by my mother and when I came to UK, I was able to get control of my life. Once I left my sister’s place to live on my own, that was when I truly had full control of my life.

Not everything I did on my own turned out to be a good thing. Infact, many of them turned bad in the end. But atleast I was able to make them. Would they have turned out to be different if someone else made them for me? Maybe. But would it really be me who lived through them or would I be a puppet doing what he was told? Good or bad, I am glad I had the opportunity to make them because that helped me mature. You learn from your mistakes right?

I do have some regrets. I should have been more in touch with my relatives here. I have nieces and nephews and I know them. But I was not truly involved in their lives. I was more of a distant relative than an uncle. I really feel bad about that. Maybe it was because I didn’t know them (most of them) at all before I came to UK. So I did not really connect with them when I arrived here.

I also regret some of the missed opportunities. Twice I had the opportunity to shine professionally but I couldn’t. There were circumstances that affected me emotionally but I should have risen above it. Again, part of maturing I guess. Still feel like I missed my chances.

I also should have applied for HSMP when my cousin adviced me. Then I would not have been bounded to a company that failed which crippled me from gaining employment from other companies. I was afraid of reaching for something that wasn’t sure and lose both what I had (Work Permit) and what I wanted (HSMP). I was warned by my cousin that the comapny will fail but I did not want to accept it. In the end, he was right and I was wrong. And it proved to be fatal of my desire to remain in UK.

One thing that people consider as wrong choice was me choosing not to propose to Emma to get dependent visa. I honestly think it was a very good decision on my part. Because if I had, the guilt would have ruined our relationship and instead of us seperating on good terms, it would be in bad terms. So that was the right choice even if I really missed her a lot in the last few months.

I also have a lot of good memories to take back with me to Srilanka. I found friends who accepted me and helped me to learn how to operate socially. I was a very shy boy who didn’t know how to socialize when I came to UK. Now I’m a confident man who does not shy away when talking with girls or with people in higher position professionally. I gained that confidence thanks to my friends.

I also found a very true friend (Rajeevan) whom I can call as my brother. Not just him but his entire family who have accepted me. That means a lot to me. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I never felt homesick because I had a home in UK when I needed it. And they were not related by blood but by bond. It wasn’t a forced relationship but a genuine one that was created through understanding and acceptance. I will always treasure that bond and relationship.

I also had my school friends (Nira, Sara, Arun, Rama, Suva) in here. I did not get the chance to hang around with them often but it was comforting to know they are here. Another safety net if I needed it.

So it all comes to an end in a few hours. Back in Srilanka, I will have to rebuild myself. I’m not the same shy boy who left Srilanka when he was 18 years old. But with very few friends left in Srilanka, I will have to be independent on building my network there. It is somewhat a scary thought.

Anyway, see you those who are in Srilanka very soon.

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This entry was posted on Monday, April 30th, 2012 at 3:00 pm and is filed under Experience, Personal, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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