Life Altering Decision

   Posted by: Janahan Balasingham   in Experience, Personal, Relationships

I’m sort of at an emotional turmoil lately and I would very much like to hear opinions before I make a decision that would change my life.

As many of you know, I have been freelancing as a developer for almost 2 years now. Ever since our company officially shut down in UK, I have been doing freelancing works in the hope that the market will improve and more job vacancies will become available for me. So when I apply with requiring work permit, the companies will be willing to move forward. Unfortunately, after 2 years, I still face the same issue as before. Work permit is still a taboo issue it seems and a barricade in every interview I have attended.

While looking for vacancy, I have been doing my Masters thinking that will give me more credit for the HSMP and would be enough to get it. But after the last changes, not only would I need a Masters, I would also need a 30k+ annual salary job to be eligible for HSMP. That puts a damper on my plan.

My final project submission is due by April and after that, I will have to decide what to do. For the last year, I have been struggling with freelance works. With my medical issues limiting my ability to move and attend meetings, I have been having trouble keeping up with the expenses. Although the health issues have improved now, I have come to the realization that relying on steady freelance work is problematic. I am not saving any money and any earnings I make end up being spent for my essential expenses. With the chances of getting a job with work permit still looking like a far away dream, I feel like I should make a decision now. I can go back to Srilanka and see if I can find a job there. There’s no promises on I will get a job as soon as I go there and even if I do, I don’t know what kind of salary I’ll get if I do. But I won’t be having work permit issues back home. And with MSc and 5 years of experience, I am hoping I should have better chances than the very slim ones over here.

Also, there is also my relationship with Emma. One of my good friend keeps insisting that the solution for my struggle with work permit is to marry Emma and get dependent status. Since she holds British passport, I won’t have trouble with the work permit issue anymore and finding a suitable job will be easier with that not being a criteria anymore. However, something in me doesn’t let me take that route. Call it ego, pride, guilt, conscience. I really don’t know what it is. But I can’t convince myself to do it because I feel like it will not only be an insult to Emma (being used as a green card), it will cheapen the relationship as well. All that will be visible for me after that step is the guilt of using her like that. It will forever ruin any relationship including friendship between us.

When we started the relationship, we accept it as a casual uncomplicated one that we both needed. I never tried to define it or tried to figure out the emotions I felt for her over the last 3 years. Maybe that’s why we had a relatively peaceful ride in our journey so far. But for the last few months, it has become somewhat clear to me that the relationship has changed from being casual to something serious. Initially I refused to see it that way out of fear that it will ruin the good thing we had going on. But with the way she was adamant on taking care of me and the way she simply accepted the changes in our lifestyles without any disapproval in this last year when I am mostly bed ridden or sitting in a chair has made me realize it. It also became obvious that my feelings for her went deeper than I thought it was.

Just around the time I came to this revelation of what I felt for her, I found out that she has been offered a lucrative job offer in USA by her company’s branch there. She is very interested in the job but at the same time she hasn’t said yes because of me. She didn’t say it specifically but after knowing her for all these years, I can read her pretty well. So this has me twisted. Part of me doesn’t want to let her go but another part of me feel like I shouldn’t be holding her back especially since I won’t be making any marriage proposals without my work status changing and the signs are indicating that I will end up back in Srilanka. So is it fair for me to be the one who ruins her offer only to cut off and leave when I have to?

She has to give an answer early January so I’m thinking that I should push to finish my final project by January and I can depart to Srilanka around the same time. Although the breakup will be a bit tougher than what I thought it would be like when we started this, I think in the long run it would be better. If she stays back because of me, she might end up resenting me for that. And if I propose to her now even if it is genuine, one of the bonus will be the dependent status I will get which will eat me inside. And I will end up finding non-existing reasons to fight with her as a reaction to the guilt. I know I would because that’s what I usually do when I’m overcome with guilt. In the end, it will ruin not only our relationship but also any friendship that we can have post breakup.

So breaking up now may be the right course of action for our relationship. But this means I will have to go to Srilanka. No more UK or my Independent life. I’ll be back to where I started. I’m not excited about that idea. If I had the choice, I would pick living in UK over going back and starting over in Srilanka. But unfortunately my bad luck struck me hard and my options are almost none. Atleast none that I can choose without feeling guilty.

Opinions? Advices? All are welcome.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 21st, 2011 at 11:57 pm and is filed under Experience, Personal, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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