Rollercoaster Life

   Posted by: Janahan Balasingham   in Experience, Personal, Relationships

What a rollercoaster ride my life has been. Difficult situations arise in life and we must face it to survive. But when the ship is sinking and there isn’t any lifeboats left, no matter how fast you throw the water back into the sea, it is impossible to save the ship or yourself.

In the last 3 months, my entire life has changed. Until then, I was reasonably in a stable situation. I had a full-time job and I was back in the University doing my Masters degree. And I had a stable relationship that was pretty comfortable for me. Suddenly, everything changed. One day I found out that my company has expired in UK. Because my work permit was bound to my job, I was out of visa. I had to find an alternative job as soon as possible or become an overstay in UK.

Because I have enrolled into the University, I couldn’t apply for any full-time job that requires my attendance from 9–5. And I couldn’t change to a student visa either because I have finished my 1st semester and was halfway through my 2nd semester. I tried my best to find a full-time job that has flexible hours or with leniency towards my attendance. Unfortunately, with the recession that had hit UK, most companies require a stable employee and not someone who has other commitments. Because of this, I have not been able to find a job for myself.

And because I have been running around looking for jobs and going for interviews, my attendance to the classes were bad too. I was unable to participate in the group work that I was supposed to be involved in and messed up the modules I had for this semester. I will have to resit one of the modules from this semester now.

With all the stress of work and studies, I have been depressed for the last two months. My emotions are high and my temper was in a short fuse. I snapped at my girlfriend for no apparent reasons and I keep realizing that after I snap at her. She is pretty understanding most of the time but sometimes she loses her temper at my attitude. I can’t blame her and I feel guilty for snapping at her because I cannot do at anyone else. I still wonder how she is putting up with me.

People keep suggesting that I should get married to my girlfriend just so I can get permanent residency through marriage. But I really don’t want to do that because first of all, whatever I feel for my girlfriend does not feel like love. It is more or less comfortable companianship. And secondly, I have too much respect for her to use her as my way to get a permanent residency. I don’t know if she will say yes if I ask her but I don’t even want to ask. I don’t believe in marriages between those who don’t love each other. And I can’t do that myself let alone do it to her.

I finished the exam for the other module day before yesterday and I was returning home. Just like my luck in the last two months, Bakerloo line was terminated because of tube malfunction. I was stranded in the middle of nowhere and I didn’t drive that day. I had to call up one of my friend (Nira) and ask him to check the bus route to my address. He found the route for me. Unfortunately the time was after 5 so everyone was going home. The buses were crowded to the maximum and they were less frequent because of traffic (I was in central london after all).

I had my music on and the sun wasn’t up in the sky so the weather was pretty cold. I decided to walk for a few stops instead of waiting for the bus to come. I started walking listening to my music and following the direction to my house with my mobile (thank god for Nokia Maps). Every few stops, I take a break and wait for the next bus only to realize it was still packed with crowd. I kept doing that and I ended up walking home all the way from central london. It was around 6km walk and I didn’t realize it until I arrived at my house. I was lost in my thoughts and in my music.

My feet were killing me after I took off my beloved boots but the walk gave me time to clear up my mind. I realized that I cannot do anything about what has happened but only do something about what I can control. Now that the summer break is on, I plan to volunteer for some jobs and prove to the company that I am reliable and dependable. And I have to convince them that I am capable of doing my job even with flexible hours. I also apologized to my girlfriend and explained to her my reasons and as always, she understood me. I’m pretty happy about that. I however, still refuse to marry her for PR sake. Either I find another way or I don’t stay at all but I just cannot use her like that.

Thanks to the accidental walk, my mind is clear now and I can see the way I should move forward. Following on my ship analogy, I see a light approaching my sinking ship. Whether it will reach me in time or not is a question that will be answered in the future.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, May 15th, 2010 at 11:15 am and is filed under Experience, Personal, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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